


i won't go another day without you

by lolamit



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Character Death, Evak - Freeform, Everything Hurts, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Inspired By A TV Show, M/M, NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS IM SORRY, POV Isak, Sad, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 22:44:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9349535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lolamit/pseuds/lolamit
Summary: “How are you feeling?” Even asked carefully as he entered Isak’s room.“I’m supposed to be asking you that”, Isak groaned, shaking his head slowly.“I feel fine. You don’t have to watch over me”, Even plopped down beside Isak on the bed, putting an arm around him in the process. “Not more than usual, anyway.” Even smiled, all of him this time, but Isak noticed the uneven nails bitten down on Even’s fingertips.“How can you be so calm and collected all the time?” the words came out as a whisper. “How can you pretend that things aren’t going to shit?”Or: the fic that literally no one asked for.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING!!!**
> 
> If you haven't read the tags I want to give you one last heads up that this includes a **major character death** , so if you don't want to read about that, you probably shouldn't continue. 
> 
> I am also very sorry my ass had the audacity to even imagine this, please forgive me. 
> 
> Inspired by the episode _My Screwup_ (s03e14) of Scrubs.

It’s been a while since Isak smiled. Ever since Even had told him the news he had found it hard to muster up the strength to even pretend he was happy. He cried every night, even though Even held him so tightly, he couldn’t force the tears back like he used to. Nothing mattered anymore, he didn’t want this, he hadn’t asked for this. In what universe was something like this okay? 

Even tried his best to stay positive, made the most out of every minute and joked around as if things like these happen every single day. Which they do, unfortunately, but they weren’t supposed to affect Isak. Not ever. He didn’t want to believe Even, he refused to believe him. Denied every doctor’s note and evidence Even brought home. Covered his ears every time someone tried to bring it up. _This isn’t real._

But it was, and after a long time of living in denial, Isak came to terms with reality. Even was sick. Even had been diagnosed with leukemia. Even was dying. And though he’d gotten treatment for over six months now, things hadn’t improved too much. Even was pale and tired and weak and fighting for his life, while Isak was the one falling apart visibly. And if Even lived in a different form of denial than Isak had, or if he simply was accepting of the situation, Isak wasn’t sure. But he was certain that Even didn’t want to talk about it, and should be honest, neither did he. He didn’t want to think about the risks and the aftermaths, he didn’t want to think about tomorrow, much less the future, he wanted to focus on today, now, the present, when everything was still fine. 

Even wasn’t a bad liar, but Isak had known him long enough to notice the way Even’s eyes moved to the left and how he gnawed at his nails in between conversations and how only one side of his mouth smiled when he tried to joke it off. Even was terrified, yet he never let it show. Instead he wanted to spend every waking moment doing things, meeting people, going on adventures. He took Isak to eleven museums in one week, decided he needed to find which café had the best coffee, watched one movie a day and if he had time to spare he’d watch another. All the while, taking photos with the polaroid camera Isak had saved up to give him for Christmas. 

It was clear he was checking off a bucket list, even if it was but a mental one, and Isak couldn’t say no even if he’d rather just stay in bed and cry. The hardest part wasn’t being around Even, Even actually made things easier although Isak could see through his act. No, the hardest part was being around friends, because they all knew, they all wanted to help and offer their condolences as if Even would die tomorrow and they might not get the chance to speak to him again. It irritated Isak – who was still standing with one foot in denial – how they all acted like this was hurting them more than it hurt Even. More than it hurt Isak. It just wasn’t fair. None of it. 

“How are you feeling?” Even asked carefully as he entered Isak’s room. 

“I’m supposed to be asking you that”, Isak groaned, shaking his head slowly.

“I feel fine. You don’t have to watch over me”, Even plopped down beside Isak on the bed, putting an arm around him in the process. “Not more than usual, anyway.” Even smiled, all of him this time, but Isak noticed the uneven nails bitten down on Even’s fingertips. 

“How can you be so calm and collected all the time?” the words came out as a whisper. “How can you pretend that things aren’t going to shit?”

Even thought for a while, pulling at a loose thread in his shirt but not hard enough to pull it off completely, annoying Isak who wanted to just yank it out already. Even seemed in no rush, playing with the thread, twirling it around his finger again and again and again before Isak had enough.

“Can you just pull that thing off?” he said, trying to grab the thread but being stopped by Even’s hands. 

“Patience”, Even said simply. “You need to learn to have patience.”

Isak scoffed, realizing he sounded way harsher than he’d intended and immediately regretting it. “I’m sorry”, he whispered again, “for being so snappy all the time. I don’t mean it.”

Even chuckled. “It’s okay, Isak. You’re allowed to have feelings.”

Isak frowned then, and turned his head to look at the boy beside him. “So are you”, he said.

“I know.”

“So why aren’t you sad? Depressed? Angry? I’ve done some research and it’s not unusual to feel-“

“Isak”, Even cut him off, taking Isak’s hands in his own. “I’m _okay_.” 

And there it was again, the quick side-glance, the half-smile, the reassuring words with hidden meanings and deeper truths. _I’m okay_. How and why and when and what? It just didn’t add up how he could be okay. Why he was okay, when he’d let himself be un-okay and what was standing in the way. Was it Isak? Was the fact that Isak had broken down completely and cried enough for both of them the reason Even was acting so emotionally constipated? Maybe he should leave some room for others to be upset. Maybe he should just learn to be _okay_. 

 

“Let’s go for a walk”, Even suggested after a while.

Isak raised his eyebrows. “You don’t have some grand plan for today?”

“No”, he answered, softly caressing Isak’s cheek. “Today I just want to be with you.”

Isak smiled then. A weak and possibly nonvisible smile, but he felt it. And Even felt it too because soon his lips also formed a smile, and Isak agreed to go for a walk. It was summer after all, and had things been different he’d probably be lying at a beach right now, or be biking around with his friends, or just be enjoying the weather. But things weren’t different. This was their reality right now, Even’s sickness and condition. Isak’s fright and denial. That’s as different as things got. 

The sun was shining outside and Isak remembered how Even used to shine brighter, but as the time went by his light faded more and more, even though Even was good at hiding it. The stars he’d found in Even’s eyes were still there, but distinctly weaker, fighting to not become supernovas and obliterate the world around. Even was still a masterpiece, the most beautiful piece of art Isak had ever witnessed, but even the prettiest of things fade eventually. The fact that Even had to do so this early on however, was as unfair as it could get. 

As they made their way down the streets of Oslo, Even snapped pictures of this and that and god knows what, stopping Isak every other minute because _‘the lighting is perfect here’_ or _‘isn’t that building just extraordinary, Isak?’_. Isak nodded, it was a nice building indeed, but his focus always landed back at Even, and every once in a while, Even would snap a picture of Isak when he thought Isak wasn’t looking. He stuffed the polaroid photos in his backpack without barely giving them a glance, and Isak didn’t understand the meaning of taking pictures if you weren’t even going to look at them. Even just laughed in his usual _oh Isak_ way, and explained that it was more about living in the moment rather than capturing it, because it would be easier to remember it vividly when you look back at the pictures in the future that way. Isak wished he could take a polaroid of life, capture this moment as well as live it so that he could always look back and remember. Tomorrow, in a month, in twenty years. Forever. 

 

A bit down the street they ran into Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, who were just coming from the skate park. They stopped and chatted for a while, laughing, joking, but with wary silences and worried eyes. Magnus asked how Even was doing, and soon the topic of Even’s cancer surfaced and Isak desperately fought the urge to cover his ears. Even stayed calm, explained his current state and the boys listened, asking questions that Even had heard a thousand times. Isak had heard them too, but he decided to block them out. 

They parted with awkward exchanges of hugs and goodbyes, Isak trying to make it as quick as possible because having them around made everything worse. It made everything seem real, and Isak hated that feeling. He dragged Even along and decided they deserved to take a coffee break. Even smiled, mentioning that this café was currently number three on his list, and Isak remembered the last time they’d visited the place over two months ago. Things hadn’t particularly gotten worse since then, but they also hadn’t gotten better, and that’s what scared Isak. How even though Even was in and out of hospital every week, things weren’t improving like he’d read that they usually do online. 

They ordered and chose a table outside, because Even wanted to tan despite the fact that his skin was paler than snow white’s and that the doctor had specifically told him to avoid the sun. 

“Put this on”, Isak said and handed over the hoodie he’d brought along in case this happened, to Even.

“Why?”

“You’re not supposed to expose your skin to the sun. We’ve been out for an hour. Put it on.”

“I’m wearing sunscreen.”

“No, you’re not. Put it on.”

Even groaned quietly, but eventually did as he was told. Isak didn’t want to be a burden like this, but if Even neglected his responsibilities and the doctor’s orders, Isak wouldn’t let him get away with it. Thankfully, Even rarely did, and usually it was an honest mistake where he’d simply forgotten to put on sunscreen or something that covered up as much as possible. But Isak could tell that sometimes it didn’t just slip Even’s mind, no, sometimes Even _wanted_ to forget. 

 

Fast-forward a few weeks and things seemed almost okay in Isak’s life. Eskild’s birthday was just around the corner and he’d smiled more, and even laughed a few times this week. Even seemed healthier, happier, yet spent a lot of his time in the hospital, and when Isak asked to go with him he declined. Even’s parents were around more, too, and though he spent a lot of his free time at Isak’s house, he didn’t spend the night as often. But it was fine, since they still got to see each other a lot, and Isak was welcome to Even’s parents’ house at any time. 

He’d started to hang out more with his friends as well, when Even had appointments or was busy with something, Isak wouldn’t just lay in his bed staring at the cracks in the ceiling, but he’d go over to Jonas’ or meet the boys downtown. They were always careful around him, talking as if he was made of cards and their words could blow him down. Walking and treating him as if his body was glass and would shatter with as much as a touch. It annoyed him, but he knew his friends were only looking out for him, and he felt slightly better knowing they cared. 

A week and a half before Eskild’s birthday party, Even was hospitalized. Apparently his condition had worsened, and quite drastically, and as soon as Isak heard, he was there. He spent every waking moment beside Even and watched as his skin only got paler and the stars in his eyes were fading. He never wanted to leave. He _wouldn’t_ leave. Not until Even got better, and only then.

Their friends came around a few times, always with dismal faces and eyes plagued with sorrow. Always speaking as if Even was dying – as if he was already gone – and Isak hated them for making the worst of the situation. Things _would_ get better. Things _had to_ get better. Even was strong. Even had fought bipolar disorder most of his life. Even could fight cancer, too. 

The days became blurry for Isak, melting together in what seemed like endless hours and minutes that neither went forward nor backwards. Some days he’d go home, sleep in his bed, and then return first thing in the morning. Other days he’d fall asleep next to Even and Even’s parents didn’t have the heart to wake him and send him home. He’d grown pretty close to Even’s parents by now, especially his mother, who would talk about things that didn’t revolve around Even’s sickness. Isak was thankful every time someone would talk about casual things, even if it was an obvious attempt at distracting him. He’d rather be distracted than hear the same q&a play out again and again and again. 

 

Five days until Eskild’s birthday, and Even was still at the hospital. Nurses monitoring him several times an hour, and Isak had gotten sick of these white walls. Even didn’t talk as much, every breath seemed to be an effort and Isak told him to rest his voice. They were cuddled together, Isak’s head on Even’s chest and arms wrapped around each other. Isak’s legs were cramping but he didn’t want to move for two reasons. One, Even might have fallen asleep, and two, he didn’t want to let go. Ever.

“You know I love you, right?” 

Even’s voice was low but soft, surprising Isak who’d thought he was for sure sleeping by now. He adjusted himself, sitting up slightly, enough to see Even’s face. 

“Of course”, he replied, the stars shining brighter than ever in the blue of Even’s eyes. “I love you, too.”

“I just wanted to make sure”, Even said, mouth half-smiling, though Isak didn’t know if he was lying or if he was simply tired. 

“We’ll have plenty of time for that once you get out of here”, Isak said, not entirely sure if it was Even or himself he was trying to reassure. 

Even let out a quiet sigh, not responding to Isak’s statement with words, but rather another attempt at smiling. Isak felt his heart ache. A stabbing pain in his chest that made his eyes tear up and he returned to his previous position, his head leaning on Even, as he forced the tears back. He would never let go, that he was sure of. Whatever happened, he would always hold Even in his arms, and never forget the touch of his embrace. Never ever. Not in a million years. 

 

***

 

Suddenly it was Saturday, and Isak was all dressed up in a suit and tie because Eskild had insisted to have a formal party. He was standing in a park, watching Even snap photos of the trees and the scenery, and a smile formed on his lips as the boy turned around. He wasn’t wearing anything formal. In fact, he only had a pair of jeans and a t-shirt on. The camera made a snapping sound as Even pointed it at Isak, making Isak laugh. 

“Hey, shouldn’t you be wearing something a little more formal?” Isak said, still smiling at the boy in front of him. 

“I think my clothes are just fine.” Even was smiling too.

“Hope you’re prepared to make use of that camera”, Isak pointed to Even’s hands. “Eskild’s definitely going to want some copies.” 

He laughed briefly, and Even just smiled at him as Isak searched for the universe in his eyes that seemed to have vanished. 

Suddenly there was a voice from behind, pulling Isak’s focus away from Even as he turned around.

“Who are you talking to?” Eskild’s voice was careful and trembling, his eyes sunken low. 

“I was just telling Even about your need for physical copies of pictures”, Isak chuckled softly, but Eskild remained silent.

His eyes dropped from Isak’s to the ground and he parted his lips slightly as if he was going to speak, but no words came. He was dressed in a suit like Isak, which wasn’t surprising, but Isak couldn’t quite comprehend why he was acting so strange. 

After a moment, Eskild raised his head again, meeting Isak’s eyes and swallowing hard before opening his mouth again. His eyes still filled with sorrow and sadness. 

“Isak”, he said softly, pausing as if to brace himself, with his voice cracking slightly before he continued. “Where do you think we are?”

Isak was confused for a moment, furrowing his eyebrows and shooting a questioning look at Eskild. But then realization struck him, as he turned around. And sure enough, Even wasn’t there. His eyes traveled back to Eskild and he spotted people far behind him, all dressed in black. Black dresses, black suits, black shoes, black, black, black, everywhere. And as he let his gaze explore his surroundings, he noticed that this wasn’t a park. The grass and the trees and the path he was standing on remained, but to his left weren’t a swing set or a slide, but gravestones, in a row with equal space between each one. All engraved with names that meant nothing to Isak, people he’d never met and didn’t care about. 

He felt a chronic pain in his chest, and realized it had been there the whole time. He’d just gotten used to it. Eskild didn’t say anything, but put his arms around Isak and held him carefully, but Isak didn’t cry. He either had no tears left or he couldn’t wrap his head around what was happening. Where he was. Why he was there. 

And as he sat down in the front row, with Eskild on one side and Jonas on the other, he was struck yet again with the reality of the situation. His eyes tearing up as he stared at the photo atop the casket. No strength to keep himself from crying left, so he gave in and let the tears fall freely. 

But he would never let go. Not in a million years.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and once again I am so sorry. Hope you liked it, though. Next one will be happy, I promise.


End file.
